Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's the barista slut.
ttyl tear gas
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
