I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
