Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
