So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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