I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
