So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
