she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
