Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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