just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
