Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
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But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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