No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
