So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
