I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
