I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
