I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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