Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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