It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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