new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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