Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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