I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
