Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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