saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
