fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
