Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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