Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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