He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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