wrigley field is MILF paradise
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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