just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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