The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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