Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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