my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
