My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
