She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.