im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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