Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
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We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't think tits should taste like fish.