Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
