I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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