I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
