My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
