I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
