uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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