too bad you live with your parents still
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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