I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
