Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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