I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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