My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
