So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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