She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
