im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
