walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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