Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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