i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
