My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
