How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
