I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
