i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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