the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
