this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
